Take time each week to bless your children

AMY HIRSHBERG LEDERMAN
Special to the AJP

Shabbat is a unique time of the week. For many Jewish families struggling to balance the demands of school, work and extra-curricular activities, it may be the only time during the week everyone can sit down together for a meal. Friday night the table is set, perhaps with a white cloth, flowers, a challah and candlesticks, creating a sense of anticipation that the evening will hold something special.
Traditionally, the lighting of Shabbat candles was a woman’s domain and two candles, representing the commandments to remember (zakor) and keep (shamor) the Sabbath, were used. In many homes today, both men and women light candles together and additional candles for each family member or guest adorn the table. When my family first began to observe Shabbat, I treasured more than anything that moment when I would light my grandmother’s brass candlesticks, brought over in the lining of her coat from Russia. Covering my eyes, I would imagine the generations of Jewish women before me and place myself among them. Then, as I lit the wicks, I focused on my breathing, inhaling the peace of Shabbat and letting go of the stresses and tensions of the week.  
But my favorite part of lighting the candles came a few seconds later — when my husband and I would bless our children. We began this tradition in a fairly untraditional way, not by saying the conventional Hebrew blessing but, rather, by telling our children what they did that week that made us happy. As they got older, they offered their own happy thoughts, ranging from pride in getting good grades to fun times with friends and family. One favorite memory is of 5-year-old Lauren as she twirled around the kitchen table shouting, “I’m happy because I got new party shoes!” 
Jewish tradition provides us with two blessings; one for girls and one for boys. The blessing for daughters includes the hope that they will grow up to be like the matriarchs: “May God make you like Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel and Leah.”  The blessing for sons, however, does not reference the patriarchs but instead invokes the names of Joseph’s two sons: “May God make you like Ephraim and Manasseh.”  It’s curious that Joseph’s sons trump the patriarchs. Why were Ephraim and Manasseh chosen as the ideals, rather than Abraham, Isaac and Jacob?
The Book of Genesis reveals many stories about human nature and particularly about family dynamics. A recurrent theme throughout is the destructive nature of sibling rivalry. Beginning with Cain and Abel, we see how jealousy between brothers can cause   the worst of actions: murder. Generations later, siblings are alienated beyond repair when Ishmael is banished from Abraham’s house shortly after Isaac’s birth. The legacy of sibling rivalry continues when Isaac’s son Jacob, as the younger twin, steals his older brother Esau’s birthright. In the next generation, Joseph, as the favored son, is so hated by his brothers that they sell him into slavery.  And so the story goes, until we meet Joseph’s sons, Ephraim and Manasseh, in the last chapter of Genesis.
Jacob, blind and close to death, asks Joseph to bring his two children to him for a blessing. Joseph places his older son, Manasseh, on Jacob’s right side, to receive the blessing reserved for the firstborn son. But Jacob stretches his right hand across his body and places it on Ephraim’s head instead. When Joseph attempts to correct his father by reversing his hands, Jacob reassures him by saying: “I know, my son, I know;  he too will become a people, and become great; yet his younger brother shall become greater than he, and his offspring will fill the nations.” (Genesis 48:19-20)
Manasseh remains silent during this scene and does not appear to hold a grudge against Ephraim. In contrast to the other brothers in Genesis, he trusts the wisdom of his grandfather Jacob and does not lash out against his brother. When we bless our sons to be like Ephraim and Manasseh, we are hoping that they too will have faith in our tradition and remain supportive of each other.
In our family, as our children grew older, our happy thoughts turned into traditional Shabbat blessings. But we saw this moment as a rare opportunity to connect with our kids and whispered a personal blessing, telling each of them why they were special and why we loved them. Sometimes, especially during the more difficult teen years, Shabbat was the only time during the week that guaranteed an intimate moment. I craved it and I think they did too.
Blessing our children on Shabbat can be more than a beautiful tradition.  It offers parents an opportunity to connect to their children from the heart, particularly when lack of time, family tensions and the stresses of the week make that kind of communication a challenge.
Amy Hirshberg Lederman is an author, Jewish educator, public speaker and attorney who lives in Tucson. Her columns in the AJP have won awards from the American Jewish Press Association, the Arizona Newspapers Association and the Arizona Press Club for excellence in commentary. Visit her website at amyhirshberglederman.com.